Healing Weekend

We had been waiting for this weekend for a while now. On Tuesday, we wanted to start packing. It felt like I was waiting for Christmas to arrive....
We were going to spend the weekend with the O'Berski's!!

Oh how we love this family!
On Friday afternoon, we arrived. Little did we know that we were going to be taught, loved on, and taught some more about this ongoing love of Jesus.

We received prayer, encouragement, and good, good lovin'!
We learned that:
-Fear is sin.
-Fear is the opposite of faith.
-When we fear, we're co-operating with the enemy.
-It's time to co-operate with Jesus!! NO MORE FEAR!!

Between the two of us, Josh and I were pretty speechless.
There was such a release that took place in our lives...
no more fear of the future!

Not to mention, the O'Berski girls are just wonderful!!
They kept us smiling and smiling some more. :)
(Thank you Dan, Kristin, Jim, Debbie, and girls for loving us!)

We are so excited for the future and so ready for what Jesus has for us!
So hand in hand, with Bluebell ice cream in tow, we're ready to take on the world!!

Seven Months

Ok...everytime I try to write about my life as a newlywed, an error occurs and the website will not work with me! GOODNESS!!

I've tried blogging about this topic about 3 or 4 different times, and this "error" pops up everytime!

Soooo....

I was sneaky and renamed my blog. :)

And now it's working with me! LOL!!

Josh and I have been married for 7 months today.
SEVEN months!!

Sometimes it feels like just yesterday and other times, it feels like it's been years!

We have not had the typical newlywed life that most couples have.

I think it's because we're not a "typical" couple.

The Lord has His hand on us in such a "different" way....

kinda reminds me of another couple I know. ;)

In seven months we have:

-moved twice

-had jobs and quit jobs

-lost our Dad

-bought 2 different vehicles and now only have 1

-traveled and camped

-lived in Mom's house, in the guest room

-gone thru every emotion that a person can possibly go thru

-questioned God on what we're doing, where we're going, and when

-and held onto each other so tight...

I love my husband...more than words can say.

I don't know of another man who would be willing to drop everything to move to FL to marry me, live in an awful place (Orlando) to begin our life together, and then move into his mother-in-law's house to keep our family tight in a time of crisis.

He makes me laugh until I cry.

He holds me when I need that special "Josh" squeeze.

When he smiles, I know we're gonna be just fine. :)

To every newlywed woman reading this:

Let every insecurity fly out the window.

Trust that your husband loves you and will do anything to make you happy....really.

And trust that the Lord has a BEAUTIFUL life planned for you both.

A perfect story! :)

(Thank you Daddy for giving me away to the perfect man for me. Thank you for trusting him to take care of me. He's doing a great job! I know you're proud.)

Life lately....

Hmmm....life has been....interesting....lately....??

I'm not sure if interesting is the right word, but it'll do.

You know when you have a fever and your skin hurts?

Like all your senses and nerves are on your skin?

That's how I've been feeling for the past 2 months.

My poor husband!

Everything either makes me cry or makes me angry.
EVERYTHING!

And I'm tired.
I refuse to use the excuse of grief for much longer.

I can't do it.

There comes a point when I have to lay it all down....

Fall at His feet, give it up, and TRUST Him.

And it may take quite a few times of doing this.

I'm ready to feel strong again.

I'm ready to have fun again and not take every joke personally.

I'm ready to not be irritated and annoyed by every little thing.
I don't want to be afraid anymore.

I want peace. And I want joy again.

I want to feel like that girl in the picture again. Fresh, excited, new, complete, steady...

It's coming!!

LIFE UPDATES:

I had a job interview today....we'll see how it went!

Josh is in the process of looking for one.

Erin is LOVING school!

Mom is doing well....working and just taking one day at a time.

I think I need to write a separate blog to explain some other things. :)

My Strength

"The joy of the Lord is my strength."
One of my Dad's favorite verses...
It's easy to say when everything is good.
It really is....admit it.
I have a great job. "The joy of the Lord is my strength."
I have my family with me. "The joy of the Lord is my strength."
I own a beautiful home. "The joy of the Lord is my strength."
I have a 401k and benefits. "The joy of the Lord is my strength."
I'm healthy and feel good! "The joy of the Lord is my strength."

There's not anything wrong with "the joy of the Lord" being your strength when it's ALL good.
But lately I've been wondering if all the "good stuff" is kinda like crutches....like the thing that HELPS our joy.

So when the crutches get knocked out from under you, when all the "good stuff" is gone, is your joy remaining?? Can your joy remain and stand on its own without the "stuff" holding it up??

Well, by the way I've been acting lately, my joy has been pretty weak without the "stuff."
Don't get me wrong...there's nothing wrong with the good "stuff."
The Lord is good and LOVES to bless His kids.
But this life holds trials and He says to "count it all joy when we fall into various trials."

Ummm....this girl has NOT been "counting it ALL joy."
But today is a new day.
Jesus has spoken to me and it's time for a change.
No more pouting. No more anger.
He is good and kind and I will REJOICE in the favor He has shown me.

It's a day to remember my favorite verse:
"My soul magnifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior.
For He has regarded the lowly estate of his maidservant, and from now on all generations will call me BLESSED! For He has done great things for me and HOLY is His name!"

Grief

I was talking to Josh last night and I came to the conclusion that out of all my "hobbies" and things I enjoy, I have never grown tired of writing.
I LOVE IT.
Love for different things comes and goes, but my love for pen and paper (and now blog) has remained....I guess there's a reason for that.

Right now I'm going to be honest....I'm going to be real. I'm going to vent.
And I don't want anyone's advice. I don't want anyone to tell me that they know how I feel.
I'm just using this spot as a place to vent and get some things, maybe some confusion, maybe some sadness, out of my system.

Honestly, I haven't really asked "why?" yet.
I know that when many people lose someone, the first thing they ask God is "why?"
I've thought about it....alot. But never vocalized it.
Maybe I should.
But I think I already know the answer to that question....
Jesus just wanted him...period.
And that's ok with me....I guess. But then my selfishness comes up and I ask "Well, what about me?? What about my mom and sis?? Don't you think we wanted him too? Don't you think we needed him more than YOU did God?"

I've really questioned some things....I'm a little shaken up.
But I'm not going anywhere.
I know my God and I know His goodness.
But here's another "honestly" moment....
I'm sorry, but I have NOT felt like reading my Bible. And I have NOT felt like praying.
I just haven't. Oh I do, but I sure don't enjoy it right now.
I'm not worried about my walk with the Lord....at all.
He is good and I love Him.
But when all I can think about is the old picture I have of my daddy holding me or his favorite songs or how I wish he was sitting on the couch with me everynight....
reading and praying just don't seem to be at the top of the list....yet.

I don't know why this sadness is so big right now.
I think since we're home from CA, there's no more services, and everything's calmed down, life without him is really slapping me in the face.

I don't know if I want to go out to eat for my birthday.
I don't know if I could handle sitting there without him.
We'll see.....
Maybe it won't be as bad as I think.

"Hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf.
You have been my King of Glory....won't you be my Prince of Peace."

Oh California...and the days following

We arrived in Cali on a Thursday night and left on Monday morning.
Such a short trip, yet such a sweet time!
It was Josh's first time out there (that he can remember) and we absolutely loved showing him around and introducing him to all of our sweet friends!
We made sure that we ate all the food we had been missing: In N Out, Pick Up Stix, Corner Bakery, and Wahoo's and we definitely made sure to stop by Laguna Tattoo to get a "fix" for our tatt addictions. :)
Josh, Erin, and I each got a new tattoo for Daddy.
This was very emotional for me...it made his death real to me all over again.
In fact, the whole reason we were there was for his memorial service.
Our beautiful CA friends honored him in such a sweet way...the service was amazing!
There were bright colored balloons, big sunflowers, tie-dyed table cloths, and Dad would've been so proud of all the home-made tie-died t-shirts that were made...just for him.
Chris Lizotte sang Dad's favorite "Chris" song and everyone's words were sweet to the core- some hilarious, some moving, but all SWEET!
The second we were home, Josh and I wanted to go back....

Since we've been home, the job search has continued.
Hurrican Earl blew past us (thank you Jesus) and it seems that a hurricane of emotions has hit me!
Ya know, you think you're doing so good with this whole "grieving" thing, and then out of the blue, there's a knot in your stomach, a lump in your throat, and here come the tears.
Not just little ones either...
It's those sob sessions that last a good 15 to 20 minutes...
I know nothing's wrong with me, but it's easy to question it when I haven't cried in days.

The last two nights I've cried myself to sleep.
I miss him. Alot.
My birthday's in four days...I never imagined having to spend a birthday without Daddy.
No sweet card that brings me to tears.
No "out of tune" Happy Birthday song.
No "my baby's 25 years old....wow!" moment.
No big hug.
It sucks...I'm not gonna lie.
But I'm just gonna take one step at a time.
First birthday without Dad- Step #1.

And as always, there will somehow be a "thank you Jesus" in my heart.
How can there not be??