Peace

Wow! I didn't realize how long it's been since I last blogged.
So much has happened and so much has been learned.

Josh and I had originally planned to start looking for a house toward the end of the year in order to be in a new house by January.
That was OUR plan.
Can I just say that God is so "other than" us?!
AND so good!

Long story short:
We decided to go look at this house because it was the size we wanted, but rent was WAY cheap.
So we looked at it....along with another family.
I gave up instantly. I just knew the other family was going to apply and get it.
Three days later- the posting pops up online again.
We call the realtor, fill out the application, put down the money, and move in three days later!

So quick, so perfect, so GOD.

In the midst of the moving craziness, emotional ups and downs, and adjusting ONCE AGAIN, I know a season of peace and joy are right around the corner.
I know it. I can sense it so strongly.

And I'm happy. :)

Sweet Freedom

Quite often I flash back to living in California, and I re-visit the year or so when I got to lead worship.

I mean REALLY lead worship.

I was trusted. There was no one waiting to grab the microphone from me. There was no one telling me when "worship time" was up.

There was no one telling me to stand still, quit screaming, or sing on tune.

I was free.

I could lead fellow worshippers in "Oh Praise Him" for a half hour.

I could scream, cry, and my personal favorite- DANCE- all I wanted!!!

Oh, to express my heart, the deepest parts of my heart, to my God.

To my God who is SO worthy of the highest praise!

My feet couldn't stand still!

HE DIED FOR ME!!!! HE SAVED ME!!!!

My heart feels as though it may pop with praise!

I need an outlet. I need to me again!

Not that leading worship is the only way to be me....oh, but I loved that time.

The praise was so unhindered, so loud, and so pure.

I'm ready for a time, a new time, where sweat pours down my face once again, my feet hurt from dancing, and the song is madness as I gasp for air to belt out note after note.

Even if it's in my bedroom for now, Oh Jesus, let it be.

Set me free.

"Make a JOYFUL NOISE oh you people!! Shout unto God with a voice of triumph!"

It's HOODIE Time!!!

It's officially the time of the year that all Floridians look forward to: Hoodie Time!!!

Ok, not everyone calls it that, but it's my blog. ;)

Last night it reached the 40's outside!! This is so exciting!

There's something so precious, so sweet about the Fall season.

I don't know exactly what happens, but suddenly I feel creative, inspired, and excited!

I love taking walks without sweating.

I love staying in and drinking coffees and ciders, while eating something warm.

I love the colors of fall.

I love wearing scarves and warm socks!

You get the point....I LOVE FALL!!!

The past three weeks have been.....ummmm....interesting.

I started a new job, which I LOVE!

But honestly, the first two weeks of that new job were extremely difficult for me.

I found myself holding in ALOT of emotion during work hours, and once I arrived home, the floodgates opened!

I began having anxiety attacks: heart racing, 200 lbs of pressure on my chest, and lots of tears.

I felt like I was in a deep, deep hole and couldn't see the end in sight.

And then the truth set me free.

The truth that I NEED to grieve properly. The truth that I NEED to let it out- tears, screaming, sobbing, lauging....anything!

The truth that it's OK to still be crying over my Daddy.

And boy, do I feel like a new woman!!

No more anxiety, no more stress, no more holding in the grief.

The Lord is good and His beautiful mercy endures forever!!

PS Here's the latest pic of me and Josh....I so LOVE him!

Blogs, blogs EVERYWHERE!!

Yesterday I began the beautiful task of creating a blog for my Daddy's words to be shared. It is not a joke when I say that he had a large, plastic tub FULL of notepads, loose pages, and random notes.

Some were work notes, but mostly it's his heart for Jesus on paper.

I don't know if anyone realized who my Daddy was or how deeply he loves (because he still does love) Jesus...even I am finding out more and more about his heart.

It's bringing healing to me and I pray that his words bring healing, hope, and even salvation to whomever reads them.

So, needless to say, my blog has been on hold for a few days...

Yesterday evening, I had the privelege of having coffee with a sweet friend. I haven't seen her since we were in middle school youth group together!

She is beautiful, inside and out, and it was such an honor to hear her heart and what the Lord has been doing in her life.

I love spending time with people who's words challenge me and I find myself wanting to live differently...and better.

When I came home from having coffee with her, I began going through this "Daddy" tub of notes. As I was flipping thru notebook after notebook, I found about 6 pages filled with letters to Erin and me. He had written them to us one Christmas, but never gave them to us.

There was such a sweetness about reading my name in this letter...I loved seeing "Emily" all throughout. But the best part was being able to hear his voice and see his face as he wrote his heart to me. I'll treasure that letter forever.

Today is a good day as well. I got the job that I interviewed for!!

Starting on Monday, I will be a receptionist for a very sweet doctor...and I am beyond excited...a little nervous...but excited!

More and more, I'm seeing how very sweetly the Lord has us.

He is so kind. Oh, I love Him.

10-10-10

Today is October 10, 2010, and I thought, "Today would be a great day for a blog, since this day won't be seen again for a looooong time."

Today also marks two months since my Daddy passed away...
two months that have felt like forever. Really.

Today I find myself questioning "church."
I love the body of Christ, don't get me wrong.
But I've found myself wondering if Jesus really meant for us to "do" church or "be" the church.

I've had a really hard time thinking about attending a church.
I just don't feel like I "fit."
Something has shifted in my heart.
I'm not bitter or angry...maybe a little tired of the same church "stuff" over and over and over....

I want to be part of a community who love each other, can be honest with each other, and who can teach each other, as well as be teachable. I want to learn together and grow.
BUT...I want to be like JESUS together.
We, as a church, are so exclusive...and I'm tired of that.

The world needs JESUS.
They need what we have! And what are we doing about it?? What am I doing about it??
For the most part, we're doing 3 fast songs, 3 slow songs, an offering, a sermon, and some ministry time at the end.

Somehow I don't think that's what Jesus meant when He said, "Go into all the WORLD and preach the gospel."
He didn't just say it to the missionaries or the evangelists.
He said it to His church....us.

Call me crazy, but I'm ready to see people saved.
I'm ready to really see this generation set free and NEVER THE SAME!
They don't need our church routine...they need salvation.
They need the cross. They need Jesus.

And this little 5'4" girl, with tattoos and a big smile has what this WHOLE world needs.
Crazy huh??

I am NOT a Victim!

For the past few months, the enemy has really enjoyed pulling this lie out of his filing cabinet and shoving it in my face...

YOU ARE A VICTIM...GOD IS AGAINST YOU.

And to be honest, it's been quite easy to believe.
It sounds harsh, but when nothing seems to be going your way, your mind tends to believe the lie.
Before you know it, you find yourself believing that you ARE a victim....
not a victor, not an heir, not a child of God...but a victim.

Growing up (most women will know what I'm talking about) you picture your life as this beautiful, quaint dream.
You marry the love of your life.
You buy (not rent) your dream home.
You have gorgeous children, with bouncy curls and contagious smiles.
And because of those precious ones, you automatically get to be a stay-at-home mom....right?

So far, my dream has been a little topsy-turvy, upside down, and NOT what I expected....at all.
It's been hard, lonely, and at times, hopeless.
BUT...
I am NOT a victim.

In fact, I'm just the opposite.
My Jesus has NOT forgotten me.
He has not shoved me to the back burner for another day.
I am the apple of HIS eye...I'm all He sees!
I'm His girl and He's my Daddy.
I am blessed....beyond measure.

Oh and all those dreams....they're coming. Oh yes, they're coming!
Because He told me to "delight yourself in the Lord, and He'll give you the desires of your heart."
And then my "dream fulfilled will be a tree of life."
He is GOOD....and He loves me....the non-victim. :)

The Garage

The past couple days, my sweet husband has been building me (us) a beautiful hutch.
(pictures to come)
He has LOVED working with my Dad's old tools and I've loved watching him enjoy it!

This evening became a bit emotional for me though.
The garage was DAD's domain....his getaway place.
He loved the Florida heat and was often found, sitting in the open garage, in his blue fold-up chair, glass of wine in hand, listening to public radio, and doing Sudoku puzzles.

But the garage was more than just Dad's "sitting area."
It was "him."
If you had never met my sweet Daddy, you could easily know who he was by just looking thru the garage.

Today I cried just seeing the old, dried up paint on his sawhorses, knowing that the paint was from many jobs he did.
His old paint brush is beautiful to me...I never want to throw it away.
There's a cheesy little trophy he won from pitching horseshoes in a West Virginia tournament- he refused to get rid of it.
His hats....oh, his hats....who would've guessed that the smell of his old, sweaty hats would be so wonderful?
The falling-apart, duck taped Bible, with the big, smily-faced sticker, was always in the garage, because that's where Daddy always was.
He loved these bright, metal art pieces- toucans, surfer dudes, lizards, and tropical fish....those are in the garage too.
Boxes and boxes of his books, notebooks, journals, and writings are stacked, as well as his many surfboards.

Oh, I miss him....so much.
Sometimes it hits me that he's never coming back.
It hits hard.
I would give anything for another hug, another "I love you Em," another hairy kiss on the forehead....

One day.

Open Doors, Closed Doors...

I am beyond confused.
I have no idea what He's doing or what He's up to!

Every job we send resumes to or apply to or even interview for...they're all the same....NO!!
SLAM!!

Is it wrong of me to be picky with where I would like to work or what I want to do??
Is it wrong that I really do NOT want to work retail right now??
Every store is hiring for seasonal positions and I feel sick just thinking about working at yet ANOTHER store.

I know the Lord has a way being prepared, but instead of hearing a SLAM, I'd really like to hear the creaking of a door being opened.

I long to be in a house that we can settle in for a while.
I want to be close to my family, but not in St. Lucie County.
I want my husband and I to have jobs that we LOVE!

I just want to curl up in a corner and sleep until this season is over.
Absolutely ready for a GOOD, HAPPY, FUN, WONDERFUL season!
Let it be soon, Lord....please let it be soon!

Healing Weekend

We had been waiting for this weekend for a while now. On Tuesday, we wanted to start packing. It felt like I was waiting for Christmas to arrive....
We were going to spend the weekend with the O'Berski's!!

Oh how we love this family!
On Friday afternoon, we arrived. Little did we know that we were going to be taught, loved on, and taught some more about this ongoing love of Jesus.

We received prayer, encouragement, and good, good lovin'!
We learned that:
-Fear is sin.
-Fear is the opposite of faith.
-When we fear, we're co-operating with the enemy.
-It's time to co-operate with Jesus!! NO MORE FEAR!!

Between the two of us, Josh and I were pretty speechless.
There was such a release that took place in our lives...
no more fear of the future!

Not to mention, the O'Berski girls are just wonderful!!
They kept us smiling and smiling some more. :)
(Thank you Dan, Kristin, Jim, Debbie, and girls for loving us!)

We are so excited for the future and so ready for what Jesus has for us!
So hand in hand, with Bluebell ice cream in tow, we're ready to take on the world!!

Seven Months

Ok...everytime I try to write about my life as a newlywed, an error occurs and the website will not work with me! GOODNESS!!

I've tried blogging about this topic about 3 or 4 different times, and this "error" pops up everytime!

Soooo....

I was sneaky and renamed my blog. :)

And now it's working with me! LOL!!

Josh and I have been married for 7 months today.
SEVEN months!!

Sometimes it feels like just yesterday and other times, it feels like it's been years!

We have not had the typical newlywed life that most couples have.

I think it's because we're not a "typical" couple.

The Lord has His hand on us in such a "different" way....

kinda reminds me of another couple I know. ;)

In seven months we have:

-moved twice

-had jobs and quit jobs

-lost our Dad

-bought 2 different vehicles and now only have 1

-traveled and camped

-lived in Mom's house, in the guest room

-gone thru every emotion that a person can possibly go thru

-questioned God on what we're doing, where we're going, and when

-and held onto each other so tight...

I love my husband...more than words can say.

I don't know of another man who would be willing to drop everything to move to FL to marry me, live in an awful place (Orlando) to begin our life together, and then move into his mother-in-law's house to keep our family tight in a time of crisis.

He makes me laugh until I cry.

He holds me when I need that special "Josh" squeeze.

When he smiles, I know we're gonna be just fine. :)

To every newlywed woman reading this:

Let every insecurity fly out the window.

Trust that your husband loves you and will do anything to make you happy....really.

And trust that the Lord has a BEAUTIFUL life planned for you both.

A perfect story! :)

(Thank you Daddy for giving me away to the perfect man for me. Thank you for trusting him to take care of me. He's doing a great job! I know you're proud.)

Life lately....

Hmmm....life has been....interesting....lately....??

I'm not sure if interesting is the right word, but it'll do.

You know when you have a fever and your skin hurts?

Like all your senses and nerves are on your skin?

That's how I've been feeling for the past 2 months.

My poor husband!

Everything either makes me cry or makes me angry.
EVERYTHING!

And I'm tired.
I refuse to use the excuse of grief for much longer.

I can't do it.

There comes a point when I have to lay it all down....

Fall at His feet, give it up, and TRUST Him.

And it may take quite a few times of doing this.

I'm ready to feel strong again.

I'm ready to have fun again and not take every joke personally.

I'm ready to not be irritated and annoyed by every little thing.
I don't want to be afraid anymore.

I want peace. And I want joy again.

I want to feel like that girl in the picture again. Fresh, excited, new, complete, steady...

It's coming!!

LIFE UPDATES:

I had a job interview today....we'll see how it went!

Josh is in the process of looking for one.

Erin is LOVING school!

Mom is doing well....working and just taking one day at a time.

I think I need to write a separate blog to explain some other things. :)

My Strength

"The joy of the Lord is my strength."
One of my Dad's favorite verses...
It's easy to say when everything is good.
It really is....admit it.
I have a great job. "The joy of the Lord is my strength."
I have my family with me. "The joy of the Lord is my strength."
I own a beautiful home. "The joy of the Lord is my strength."
I have a 401k and benefits. "The joy of the Lord is my strength."
I'm healthy and feel good! "The joy of the Lord is my strength."

There's not anything wrong with "the joy of the Lord" being your strength when it's ALL good.
But lately I've been wondering if all the "good stuff" is kinda like crutches....like the thing that HELPS our joy.

So when the crutches get knocked out from under you, when all the "good stuff" is gone, is your joy remaining?? Can your joy remain and stand on its own without the "stuff" holding it up??

Well, by the way I've been acting lately, my joy has been pretty weak without the "stuff."
Don't get me wrong...there's nothing wrong with the good "stuff."
The Lord is good and LOVES to bless His kids.
But this life holds trials and He says to "count it all joy when we fall into various trials."

Ummm....this girl has NOT been "counting it ALL joy."
But today is a new day.
Jesus has spoken to me and it's time for a change.
No more pouting. No more anger.
He is good and kind and I will REJOICE in the favor He has shown me.

It's a day to remember my favorite verse:
"My soul magnifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior.
For He has regarded the lowly estate of his maidservant, and from now on all generations will call me BLESSED! For He has done great things for me and HOLY is His name!"

Grief

I was talking to Josh last night and I came to the conclusion that out of all my "hobbies" and things I enjoy, I have never grown tired of writing.
I LOVE IT.
Love for different things comes and goes, but my love for pen and paper (and now blog) has remained....I guess there's a reason for that.

Right now I'm going to be honest....I'm going to be real. I'm going to vent.
And I don't want anyone's advice. I don't want anyone to tell me that they know how I feel.
I'm just using this spot as a place to vent and get some things, maybe some confusion, maybe some sadness, out of my system.

Honestly, I haven't really asked "why?" yet.
I know that when many people lose someone, the first thing they ask God is "why?"
I've thought about it....alot. But never vocalized it.
Maybe I should.
But I think I already know the answer to that question....
Jesus just wanted him...period.
And that's ok with me....I guess. But then my selfishness comes up and I ask "Well, what about me?? What about my mom and sis?? Don't you think we wanted him too? Don't you think we needed him more than YOU did God?"

I've really questioned some things....I'm a little shaken up.
But I'm not going anywhere.
I know my God and I know His goodness.
But here's another "honestly" moment....
I'm sorry, but I have NOT felt like reading my Bible. And I have NOT felt like praying.
I just haven't. Oh I do, but I sure don't enjoy it right now.
I'm not worried about my walk with the Lord....at all.
He is good and I love Him.
But when all I can think about is the old picture I have of my daddy holding me or his favorite songs or how I wish he was sitting on the couch with me everynight....
reading and praying just don't seem to be at the top of the list....yet.

I don't know why this sadness is so big right now.
I think since we're home from CA, there's no more services, and everything's calmed down, life without him is really slapping me in the face.

I don't know if I want to go out to eat for my birthday.
I don't know if I could handle sitting there without him.
We'll see.....
Maybe it won't be as bad as I think.

"Hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf.
You have been my King of Glory....won't you be my Prince of Peace."

Oh California...and the days following

We arrived in Cali on a Thursday night and left on Monday morning.
Such a short trip, yet such a sweet time!
It was Josh's first time out there (that he can remember) and we absolutely loved showing him around and introducing him to all of our sweet friends!
We made sure that we ate all the food we had been missing: In N Out, Pick Up Stix, Corner Bakery, and Wahoo's and we definitely made sure to stop by Laguna Tattoo to get a "fix" for our tatt addictions. :)
Josh, Erin, and I each got a new tattoo for Daddy.
This was very emotional for me...it made his death real to me all over again.
In fact, the whole reason we were there was for his memorial service.
Our beautiful CA friends honored him in such a sweet way...the service was amazing!
There were bright colored balloons, big sunflowers, tie-dyed table cloths, and Dad would've been so proud of all the home-made tie-died t-shirts that were made...just for him.
Chris Lizotte sang Dad's favorite "Chris" song and everyone's words were sweet to the core- some hilarious, some moving, but all SWEET!
The second we were home, Josh and I wanted to go back....

Since we've been home, the job search has continued.
Hurrican Earl blew past us (thank you Jesus) and it seems that a hurricane of emotions has hit me!
Ya know, you think you're doing so good with this whole "grieving" thing, and then out of the blue, there's a knot in your stomach, a lump in your throat, and here come the tears.
Not just little ones either...
It's those sob sessions that last a good 15 to 20 minutes...
I know nothing's wrong with me, but it's easy to question it when I haven't cried in days.

The last two nights I've cried myself to sleep.
I miss him. Alot.
My birthday's in four days...I never imagined having to spend a birthday without Daddy.
No sweet card that brings me to tears.
No "out of tune" Happy Birthday song.
No "my baby's 25 years old....wow!" moment.
No big hug.
It sucks...I'm not gonna lie.
But I'm just gonna take one step at a time.
First birthday without Dad- Step #1.

And as always, there will somehow be a "thank you Jesus" in my heart.
How can there not be??

New Season...

On August 10, my sweet Daddy passed away.
He was my best friend (besides Josh), secret keeper, safe place, and the one who understood me more than anyone.
It's been 2 weeks to the day and wow...the Lord is good.
Yes, I still have my breakdown moments and I know there will be more to come...but the heaviness and overwhelming sadness are not an everyday occurance.

Josh and I have officially moved in with Mom and Erin.
This has been an extremely difficult thing for me...believe it or not!
I feel like my life is CHAOS sometimes. But in the middle of it all, I know the Lord is approving and I know we're doing the right thing.
Our little start of our life together is packed in boxes and stacked in the guest room at 1130 SE Preston Lane.
Our residence is now in the OTHER guest room, complete with a bed, table, and dresser.
Sometimes it's still hard for me to swallow...I've tried to avoid unpacking as many boxes and suitcases as possible. If I unpack, it means settling...and settling means staying longer than I want to.
All lies of course, but still a challenge for me.

Erin has finally started school...and boy, is she EXCITED!!
I've never seen the girl study and what do ya know?? Tonight she went to her room early to STUDY!!
I'm so happy for her! She's been wanting this for quite some time, and it finally happened for her. At last, her heart and school are on the same page.

We leave for California in two days. I'm super excited!! For one, Josh has never been to CA and I'm so excited to show him my last home. And two, I can't wait to see people that I love! My kids, the Lizottes, and so many other families: STOKED!!!
Oh and three: We're getting TATTOOS!!! I haven't been tattooed in SO long and I'm beyond ready!
There is one thing I'm not necessarily looking forward to...my dad's memorial service #2. We seem to be handling everything so well, and I'm scared that this service will awake sorrow...again.

In the middle of all of this, I can honestly say that God is good. He is not mean or nasty. And I love Him...yes. Even still.

Changes....BIG Changes...

For the past two weeks, my Daddy has been in the hospital. What we thought was a minor stroke turned into 2 cancerous brain tumors, 2 brain surgeries, and so far, 2 weeks of recovery & 2 weeks of hospital visits. What a challenge!!
-A challenge to selfishness to step back and sit on the back burner.
-A challenge to our new marriage to stand strong in the midst of fear that has never reared its ugly head before.
-A challenge to believe "impossible" promises.
-A challenge to see with VISION, not with sight.

I'm home now, with my husband, trying to get back into the swing of things. But even that is hard to do as we are working on moving back to St. Lucie County. We have sent out resumes, applications, and looked for housing online.
Our house is half packed in boxes in hopes of being able to pack up soon. The other half remains unpacked...what if things don't work out like we want them to?
Today I felt that familiar FAITH in me again.
That faith that refused to cry when the doctors told us that we would need to decide if wanted CPR or just a comfortable "going."
That faith that was stubborn enough to believe that Daddy would be talking more to me soon than I was talking to him.
That faith that refused to believe anything less than restoration....completely.
THAT faith. I felt it today.
We'll be out of this apartment and into a house, out of Orlando and into PSL, out of our jobs and into new ones....before we know it.
I just know it.
My Jesus, I love Thee....really.

Joy

I long to be a woman of JOY again. I desire to be unoffendable...to laugh off the jokes and the lies....to know who I am and smile. I want a carefree spirit again....to be fun and fearless....to truly enjoy people and know that I am being enjoyed in return.
Teach me Holy Spirit. I need a new lesson in JOY!!

Journal vs. Blog

I have to be honest...I've had a pretty hard time deciding if blogging is for me. I mean, you're talking about a girl who's filled up about 11 journals in the past 10 years! There's just something about a pen and a blank piece of paper- like starting a new year or having a birthday. There's a freshness about it- a chance to make something of it that has never been. It's irresistable to me!
I may become addicted to a fresh white screen and a keyboard at my fingertips- but I highly doubt it. LOL!! If there's more than one blog after this, ENJOY!! If this is the only one, then I guess I couldn't shake my old-fashioned ways. :)
Em