Now I know....

First of all, I'm probably the worst blogger around.
I just love writing on paper, so as a result, I tend to ignore the keyboard and computer screen.
But, there are those times when I feel the need to express my heart in this way.

Josh and I just returned from Michigan.
We were there for about 10 days, visiting family and friends that we hadn't seen in months- some we had not seen in years.
We arrived back in Hamilton two days ago, and well, everything just felt funky.
He was feeling it just as much as I was, but we couldn't put our fingers on why.

On a side note, I found myself really missing my Dad and even crying over him, which I haven't done in a while.
So, why all these strange emotions??

Last night we were with friends. Still funky.
Getting back into our routines. Still funky.

And then it hit me.
Everyone in Michigan has known me and Josh since we were young.
AND, everyone there knew my Daddy.
I was called "Jimmy's girl" multiple times while we were there and for the first time in a while, I felt known.

I love our new home.
Hamilton is beyond what I could've ever dreamed of for us to start our new life together.
But there's part of me that aches to be known as "Jimmy's girl" by the people here.
And when something on tv reminds me of Dad, no one feels the same way.
Or when someone says a phrase that was my Dad's favorite, no one even looks at me to see if I'm smiling.

Now I know, why there's been a strange feeling of emotion.
It felt good to be called "Jimmy's girl" again.

Love...

It has been almost a year since I last wrote! Wow....time flies!

In this past year, Josh and I have moved to Alabama, only to find that this is "home."
We LOVE Hamilton and all that God is doing here!
We've been students at the Ramp School of Ministry for the past 7-8 months, and we will never be the same! Hallelujah!

Now that we're all caught up...I just want to write about my husband.

Joshua DeVaney has had my heart since I was 11 years old.
I remember the exact moment I saw him and during the years that followed, Jesus saw every butterfly in my tummy that fluttered at the thought of him.
I'm still blown away that the man in my house, making breakfast in the morning, getting ready for the day with me is the same little blonde haired, blue eyed boy I met and fell in love with 15 years ago!

Let me tell you about him- just brag on him a little bit.
My carpenter husband is settled.
He knows who he is, and because of this identity, he's now telling me who I am.
He's full of wisdom. He doesn't just jump the gun- he prays and he's ok to wait.
He's dedicated fully to Jesus and to me.
His heart is pure and his love for people challenges me to love better.
He loves people- from the littlest baby to the oldest person.
He's kind and watching him do random acts of kindness moves me to be more loving.
He is the hardest worker I've ever met- his calloused hands show it.
He is so much fun! He makes me laugh until I cry and his "realness" allows me to relax and be myself.
He's my best friend- I'm lonely when he's at work....he really is my best friend.
I love this man....fiercely.

Thank you Jesus for teaming me up with a man who loves You and carries your heart.
I'm honored to change the world with him.

This past week.

This is the last week of my life in a blog:
Thursday- lost my voice.
Friday- still didn't have a voice...couldn't even answer phones at work.
Saturday- Woke up actually feeling sick, but cleaned all day because my in-laws were coming into town and staying with us.
Sunday- Still feeling yuck, but happy to have Mom and Dad DeVaney staying in our home! Had a great Easter and saw Soul Surfer! Great movie! That night, I got pink eye...in both eyes.
Monday- Had the day off from work in order to be with my family. Needed the day off anyway due to being ill.
Tuesday- Still had pink eye. No work for me. Still enjoying my family.
Wednesday- Back to work. Hardly slept at all that night.
Thursday- Parents leave to go back to Costa Rica. We are so sad. Also, Michael leaves the Office, and that is sad as well.

A week later, I'm finally feeling normal again....for the most part. :) I have slept so much better and I actually feel like my body is healing.
In other news, Josh and I were left on Thursday feeling alone and somewhat bored, in a quiet house, thinking "well, what now??"
It's funny after having guests in your home how normal life becomes so exciting....and then, when everyone's gone, you are forced to go back to normal. ugh.

Honestly, we are finding ourselves really asking the Lord where we're supposed to be.
We need a church. We need a fellowship where we can be a family.
We've tried numerous churches in the area and have found ourselves becoming more and more frustrated.
I know a good change is coming, but I have no idea when, where, or how.
I guess as long as I know it's coming, I can be content for now.

More than bunnies

This is one of my favorite pictures.
I love this man. I love what he did for me. I love that he accomplished the ultimate goal and he did with love....and joy.


For once, I don't have a whole lot to say.
Except that my heart is full of gratitude and praise.
He is so worthy of ALL my praise!!!


I'm rescued, washed, bought at a price, and loved- despite what I've done or will ever do!
I'm LOVED!!!


I was on his mind the whole time.
And I'm blown away.
He loves me! REALLY loves me!!!





This is my other favorite picture.
Oh his forgiveness.....that willingness to love, no matter who I am or what I've done.

Thank you Jesus.
Thank you for finding me and saving me.
You have my heart forever.

Lighten up Francis!!

Josh always says this to me: "Lighten up Francis!!"

He always says it jokingly, when we're having those fake, sarcastic arguments that only end in smiling.

But that ridiculous phrase has me questioning myself.

Do I really need to lighten up???

The answer is a loud, resounding YES!!!

Let it be known that today is the day that Emily DeVaney puts her foot down and proclaims, "I WILL lighten up!!"

It's time to laugh at myself again. Time to enjoy the silliness of life. Time to stop being such a neat freak and the one who has the controls.

Time to enjoy my husband's jokes and time to make jokes of my own.

It's a new day!!!

Do you need to lighten up???

Spring Time!!

Lately I have been in a clean EVERYTHING, de-clutter, get creative, hands-on mood. And I'm LOVING it!! At this moment there are bags waiting to go to Goodwill, a house completely cleaned, a blanket being crocheted, an old rocking chair that has been touched up, a guest room that has been re-designed, and another room waiting for a new look. And I'm blaming it on spring time! :) There's something so fresh and new about spring. The days are beginning to stay around longer, the air is still somewhat cool, and winter is gone. I think the Lord not only designed Spring as a time for new life, but also a time for a fresh start. In the midst of all the creativity and freshness, Josh and I have decided to start a business. We are very excited about this and are sure that Jesus is going to bless our creativity as one. It is a wood-working business, where Josh will build country style furniture, shelving, and home pieces and I will "finish" them with a bit of paint or finish. It is just in the beginning stages and our minds are popping with ideas and concepts!! Very exciting!!! In this season, I am also finding out how much I absolutely love my home! Even though we only rent, I'm finding that my place is and should be at home. I love verses in Proverbs and well....all throughout the Bible really....where it describes the woman's place in her home- to keep her family fed, raise her children, create an atmosphere that is loving and honoring of her husband, and to allow peace and joy to reign. This is my dream. But for now.....I have the weekends to create, love, enjoy, and inspire. Ladies, enjoy your homes and enjoy this Springtime!! Men, you do the same! :)

Real or Kinda Real??

It's a been a while since I've written on my beloved blog.
Honestly, I'm scared to.
Writing in my journal is safe....no one sees it.
But writing on here....ANYONE can see it.

I just finished reading "Choosing to See" by Mary Beth Chapman.
One of my favorite things about this book was how "real" and honest she was.
She was completely open about how she was feeling, how she reacted (good or bad), and everything else in between.

I don't know if I will open up completely in this blog. I don't have much time to.
But here's a little snapshot of what my next blog will include:
-Desperation
-Missing my Daddy
-My heart breaking for a friend
-The Word of God AND
-possibly a little venting.

And in all of that, I will try to be real as I possibly can.

Peace

Wow! I didn't realize how long it's been since I last blogged.
So much has happened and so much has been learned.

Josh and I had originally planned to start looking for a house toward the end of the year in order to be in a new house by January.
That was OUR plan.
Can I just say that God is so "other than" us?!
AND so good!

Long story short:
We decided to go look at this house because it was the size we wanted, but rent was WAY cheap.
So we looked at it....along with another family.
I gave up instantly. I just knew the other family was going to apply and get it.
Three days later- the posting pops up online again.
We call the realtor, fill out the application, put down the money, and move in three days later!

So quick, so perfect, so GOD.

In the midst of the moving craziness, emotional ups and downs, and adjusting ONCE AGAIN, I know a season of peace and joy are right around the corner.
I know it. I can sense it so strongly.

And I'm happy. :)

Sweet Freedom

Quite often I flash back to living in California, and I re-visit the year or so when I got to lead worship.

I mean REALLY lead worship.

I was trusted. There was no one waiting to grab the microphone from me. There was no one telling me when "worship time" was up.

There was no one telling me to stand still, quit screaming, or sing on tune.

I was free.

I could lead fellow worshippers in "Oh Praise Him" for a half hour.

I could scream, cry, and my personal favorite- DANCE- all I wanted!!!

Oh, to express my heart, the deepest parts of my heart, to my God.

To my God who is SO worthy of the highest praise!

My feet couldn't stand still!

HE DIED FOR ME!!!! HE SAVED ME!!!!

My heart feels as though it may pop with praise!

I need an outlet. I need to me again!

Not that leading worship is the only way to be me....oh, but I loved that time.

The praise was so unhindered, so loud, and so pure.

I'm ready for a time, a new time, where sweat pours down my face once again, my feet hurt from dancing, and the song is madness as I gasp for air to belt out note after note.

Even if it's in my bedroom for now, Oh Jesus, let it be.

Set me free.

"Make a JOYFUL NOISE oh you people!! Shout unto God with a voice of triumph!"

It's HOODIE Time!!!

It's officially the time of the year that all Floridians look forward to: Hoodie Time!!!

Ok, not everyone calls it that, but it's my blog. ;)

Last night it reached the 40's outside!! This is so exciting!

There's something so precious, so sweet about the Fall season.

I don't know exactly what happens, but suddenly I feel creative, inspired, and excited!

I love taking walks without sweating.

I love staying in and drinking coffees and ciders, while eating something warm.

I love the colors of fall.

I love wearing scarves and warm socks!

You get the point....I LOVE FALL!!!

The past three weeks have been.....ummmm....interesting.

I started a new job, which I LOVE!

But honestly, the first two weeks of that new job were extremely difficult for me.

I found myself holding in ALOT of emotion during work hours, and once I arrived home, the floodgates opened!

I began having anxiety attacks: heart racing, 200 lbs of pressure on my chest, and lots of tears.

I felt like I was in a deep, deep hole and couldn't see the end in sight.

And then the truth set me free.

The truth that I NEED to grieve properly. The truth that I NEED to let it out- tears, screaming, sobbing, lauging....anything!

The truth that it's OK to still be crying over my Daddy.

And boy, do I feel like a new woman!!

No more anxiety, no more stress, no more holding in the grief.

The Lord is good and His beautiful mercy endures forever!!

PS Here's the latest pic of me and Josh....I so LOVE him!

Blogs, blogs EVERYWHERE!!

Yesterday I began the beautiful task of creating a blog for my Daddy's words to be shared. It is not a joke when I say that he had a large, plastic tub FULL of notepads, loose pages, and random notes.

Some were work notes, but mostly it's his heart for Jesus on paper.

I don't know if anyone realized who my Daddy was or how deeply he loves (because he still does love) Jesus...even I am finding out more and more about his heart.

It's bringing healing to me and I pray that his words bring healing, hope, and even salvation to whomever reads them.

So, needless to say, my blog has been on hold for a few days...

Yesterday evening, I had the privelege of having coffee with a sweet friend. I haven't seen her since we were in middle school youth group together!

She is beautiful, inside and out, and it was such an honor to hear her heart and what the Lord has been doing in her life.

I love spending time with people who's words challenge me and I find myself wanting to live differently...and better.

When I came home from having coffee with her, I began going through this "Daddy" tub of notes. As I was flipping thru notebook after notebook, I found about 6 pages filled with letters to Erin and me. He had written them to us one Christmas, but never gave them to us.

There was such a sweetness about reading my name in this letter...I loved seeing "Emily" all throughout. But the best part was being able to hear his voice and see his face as he wrote his heart to me. I'll treasure that letter forever.

Today is a good day as well. I got the job that I interviewed for!!

Starting on Monday, I will be a receptionist for a very sweet doctor...and I am beyond excited...a little nervous...but excited!

More and more, I'm seeing how very sweetly the Lord has us.

He is so kind. Oh, I love Him.

10-10-10

Today is October 10, 2010, and I thought, "Today would be a great day for a blog, since this day won't be seen again for a looooong time."

Today also marks two months since my Daddy passed away...
two months that have felt like forever. Really.

Today I find myself questioning "church."
I love the body of Christ, don't get me wrong.
But I've found myself wondering if Jesus really meant for us to "do" church or "be" the church.

I've had a really hard time thinking about attending a church.
I just don't feel like I "fit."
Something has shifted in my heart.
I'm not bitter or angry...maybe a little tired of the same church "stuff" over and over and over....

I want to be part of a community who love each other, can be honest with each other, and who can teach each other, as well as be teachable. I want to learn together and grow.
BUT...I want to be like JESUS together.
We, as a church, are so exclusive...and I'm tired of that.

The world needs JESUS.
They need what we have! And what are we doing about it?? What am I doing about it??
For the most part, we're doing 3 fast songs, 3 slow songs, an offering, a sermon, and some ministry time at the end.

Somehow I don't think that's what Jesus meant when He said, "Go into all the WORLD and preach the gospel."
He didn't just say it to the missionaries or the evangelists.
He said it to His church....us.

Call me crazy, but I'm ready to see people saved.
I'm ready to really see this generation set free and NEVER THE SAME!
They don't need our church routine...they need salvation.
They need the cross. They need Jesus.

And this little 5'4" girl, with tattoos and a big smile has what this WHOLE world needs.
Crazy huh??

I am NOT a Victim!

For the past few months, the enemy has really enjoyed pulling this lie out of his filing cabinet and shoving it in my face...

YOU ARE A VICTIM...GOD IS AGAINST YOU.

And to be honest, it's been quite easy to believe.
It sounds harsh, but when nothing seems to be going your way, your mind tends to believe the lie.
Before you know it, you find yourself believing that you ARE a victim....
not a victor, not an heir, not a child of God...but a victim.

Growing up (most women will know what I'm talking about) you picture your life as this beautiful, quaint dream.
You marry the love of your life.
You buy (not rent) your dream home.
You have gorgeous children, with bouncy curls and contagious smiles.
And because of those precious ones, you automatically get to be a stay-at-home mom....right?

So far, my dream has been a little topsy-turvy, upside down, and NOT what I expected....at all.
It's been hard, lonely, and at times, hopeless.
BUT...
I am NOT a victim.

In fact, I'm just the opposite.
My Jesus has NOT forgotten me.
He has not shoved me to the back burner for another day.
I am the apple of HIS eye...I'm all He sees!
I'm His girl and He's my Daddy.
I am blessed....beyond measure.

Oh and all those dreams....they're coming. Oh yes, they're coming!
Because He told me to "delight yourself in the Lord, and He'll give you the desires of your heart."
And then my "dream fulfilled will be a tree of life."
He is GOOD....and He loves me....the non-victim. :)

The Garage

The past couple days, my sweet husband has been building me (us) a beautiful hutch.
(pictures to come)
He has LOVED working with my Dad's old tools and I've loved watching him enjoy it!

This evening became a bit emotional for me though.
The garage was DAD's domain....his getaway place.
He loved the Florida heat and was often found, sitting in the open garage, in his blue fold-up chair, glass of wine in hand, listening to public radio, and doing Sudoku puzzles.

But the garage was more than just Dad's "sitting area."
It was "him."
If you had never met my sweet Daddy, you could easily know who he was by just looking thru the garage.

Today I cried just seeing the old, dried up paint on his sawhorses, knowing that the paint was from many jobs he did.
His old paint brush is beautiful to me...I never want to throw it away.
There's a cheesy little trophy he won from pitching horseshoes in a West Virginia tournament- he refused to get rid of it.
His hats....oh, his hats....who would've guessed that the smell of his old, sweaty hats would be so wonderful?
The falling-apart, duck taped Bible, with the big, smily-faced sticker, was always in the garage, because that's where Daddy always was.
He loved these bright, metal art pieces- toucans, surfer dudes, lizards, and tropical fish....those are in the garage too.
Boxes and boxes of his books, notebooks, journals, and writings are stacked, as well as his many surfboards.

Oh, I miss him....so much.
Sometimes it hits me that he's never coming back.
It hits hard.
I would give anything for another hug, another "I love you Em," another hairy kiss on the forehead....

One day.

Open Doors, Closed Doors...

I am beyond confused.
I have no idea what He's doing or what He's up to!

Every job we send resumes to or apply to or even interview for...they're all the same....NO!!
SLAM!!

Is it wrong of me to be picky with where I would like to work or what I want to do??
Is it wrong that I really do NOT want to work retail right now??
Every store is hiring for seasonal positions and I feel sick just thinking about working at yet ANOTHER store.

I know the Lord has a way being prepared, but instead of hearing a SLAM, I'd really like to hear the creaking of a door being opened.

I long to be in a house that we can settle in for a while.
I want to be close to my family, but not in St. Lucie County.
I want my husband and I to have jobs that we LOVE!

I just want to curl up in a corner and sleep until this season is over.
Absolutely ready for a GOOD, HAPPY, FUN, WONDERFUL season!
Let it be soon, Lord....please let it be soon!

Healing Weekend

We had been waiting for this weekend for a while now. On Tuesday, we wanted to start packing. It felt like I was waiting for Christmas to arrive....
We were going to spend the weekend with the O'Berski's!!

Oh how we love this family!
On Friday afternoon, we arrived. Little did we know that we were going to be taught, loved on, and taught some more about this ongoing love of Jesus.

We received prayer, encouragement, and good, good lovin'!
We learned that:
-Fear is sin.
-Fear is the opposite of faith.
-When we fear, we're co-operating with the enemy.
-It's time to co-operate with Jesus!! NO MORE FEAR!!

Between the two of us, Josh and I were pretty speechless.
There was such a release that took place in our lives...
no more fear of the future!

Not to mention, the O'Berski girls are just wonderful!!
They kept us smiling and smiling some more. :)
(Thank you Dan, Kristin, Jim, Debbie, and girls for loving us!)

We are so excited for the future and so ready for what Jesus has for us!
So hand in hand, with Bluebell ice cream in tow, we're ready to take on the world!!

Seven Months

Ok...everytime I try to write about my life as a newlywed, an error occurs and the website will not work with me! GOODNESS!!

I've tried blogging about this topic about 3 or 4 different times, and this "error" pops up everytime!

Soooo....

I was sneaky and renamed my blog. :)

And now it's working with me! LOL!!

Josh and I have been married for 7 months today.
SEVEN months!!

Sometimes it feels like just yesterday and other times, it feels like it's been years!

We have not had the typical newlywed life that most couples have.

I think it's because we're not a "typical" couple.

The Lord has His hand on us in such a "different" way....

kinda reminds me of another couple I know. ;)

In seven months we have:

-moved twice

-had jobs and quit jobs

-lost our Dad

-bought 2 different vehicles and now only have 1

-traveled and camped

-lived in Mom's house, in the guest room

-gone thru every emotion that a person can possibly go thru

-questioned God on what we're doing, where we're going, and when

-and held onto each other so tight...

I love my husband...more than words can say.

I don't know of another man who would be willing to drop everything to move to FL to marry me, live in an awful place (Orlando) to begin our life together, and then move into his mother-in-law's house to keep our family tight in a time of crisis.

He makes me laugh until I cry.

He holds me when I need that special "Josh" squeeze.

When he smiles, I know we're gonna be just fine. :)

To every newlywed woman reading this:

Let every insecurity fly out the window.

Trust that your husband loves you and will do anything to make you happy....really.

And trust that the Lord has a BEAUTIFUL life planned for you both.

A perfect story! :)

(Thank you Daddy for giving me away to the perfect man for me. Thank you for trusting him to take care of me. He's doing a great job! I know you're proud.)

Life lately....

Hmmm....life has been....interesting....lately....??

I'm not sure if interesting is the right word, but it'll do.

You know when you have a fever and your skin hurts?

Like all your senses and nerves are on your skin?

That's how I've been feeling for the past 2 months.

My poor husband!

Everything either makes me cry or makes me angry.
EVERYTHING!

And I'm tired.
I refuse to use the excuse of grief for much longer.

I can't do it.

There comes a point when I have to lay it all down....

Fall at His feet, give it up, and TRUST Him.

And it may take quite a few times of doing this.

I'm ready to feel strong again.

I'm ready to have fun again and not take every joke personally.

I'm ready to not be irritated and annoyed by every little thing.
I don't want to be afraid anymore.

I want peace. And I want joy again.

I want to feel like that girl in the picture again. Fresh, excited, new, complete, steady...

It's coming!!

LIFE UPDATES:

I had a job interview today....we'll see how it went!

Josh is in the process of looking for one.

Erin is LOVING school!

Mom is doing well....working and just taking one day at a time.

I think I need to write a separate blog to explain some other things. :)

My Strength

"The joy of the Lord is my strength."
One of my Dad's favorite verses...
It's easy to say when everything is good.
It really is....admit it.
I have a great job. "The joy of the Lord is my strength."
I have my family with me. "The joy of the Lord is my strength."
I own a beautiful home. "The joy of the Lord is my strength."
I have a 401k and benefits. "The joy of the Lord is my strength."
I'm healthy and feel good! "The joy of the Lord is my strength."

There's not anything wrong with "the joy of the Lord" being your strength when it's ALL good.
But lately I've been wondering if all the "good stuff" is kinda like crutches....like the thing that HELPS our joy.

So when the crutches get knocked out from under you, when all the "good stuff" is gone, is your joy remaining?? Can your joy remain and stand on its own without the "stuff" holding it up??

Well, by the way I've been acting lately, my joy has been pretty weak without the "stuff."
Don't get me wrong...there's nothing wrong with the good "stuff."
The Lord is good and LOVES to bless His kids.
But this life holds trials and He says to "count it all joy when we fall into various trials."

Ummm....this girl has NOT been "counting it ALL joy."
But today is a new day.
Jesus has spoken to me and it's time for a change.
No more pouting. No more anger.
He is good and kind and I will REJOICE in the favor He has shown me.

It's a day to remember my favorite verse:
"My soul magnifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior.
For He has regarded the lowly estate of his maidservant, and from now on all generations will call me BLESSED! For He has done great things for me and HOLY is His name!"

Grief

I was talking to Josh last night and I came to the conclusion that out of all my "hobbies" and things I enjoy, I have never grown tired of writing.
I LOVE IT.
Love for different things comes and goes, but my love for pen and paper (and now blog) has remained....I guess there's a reason for that.

Right now I'm going to be honest....I'm going to be real. I'm going to vent.
And I don't want anyone's advice. I don't want anyone to tell me that they know how I feel.
I'm just using this spot as a place to vent and get some things, maybe some confusion, maybe some sadness, out of my system.

Honestly, I haven't really asked "why?" yet.
I know that when many people lose someone, the first thing they ask God is "why?"
I've thought about it....alot. But never vocalized it.
Maybe I should.
But I think I already know the answer to that question....
Jesus just wanted him...period.
And that's ok with me....I guess. But then my selfishness comes up and I ask "Well, what about me?? What about my mom and sis?? Don't you think we wanted him too? Don't you think we needed him more than YOU did God?"

I've really questioned some things....I'm a little shaken up.
But I'm not going anywhere.
I know my God and I know His goodness.
But here's another "honestly" moment....
I'm sorry, but I have NOT felt like reading my Bible. And I have NOT felt like praying.
I just haven't. Oh I do, but I sure don't enjoy it right now.
I'm not worried about my walk with the Lord....at all.
He is good and I love Him.
But when all I can think about is the old picture I have of my daddy holding me or his favorite songs or how I wish he was sitting on the couch with me everynight....
reading and praying just don't seem to be at the top of the list....yet.

I don't know why this sadness is so big right now.
I think since we're home from CA, there's no more services, and everything's calmed down, life without him is really slapping me in the face.

I don't know if I want to go out to eat for my birthday.
I don't know if I could handle sitting there without him.
We'll see.....
Maybe it won't be as bad as I think.

"Hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf.
You have been my King of Glory....won't you be my Prince of Peace."