Grief

I was talking to Josh last night and I came to the conclusion that out of all my "hobbies" and things I enjoy, I have never grown tired of writing.
I LOVE IT.
Love for different things comes and goes, but my love for pen and paper (and now blog) has remained....I guess there's a reason for that.

Right now I'm going to be honest....I'm going to be real. I'm going to vent.
And I don't want anyone's advice. I don't want anyone to tell me that they know how I feel.
I'm just using this spot as a place to vent and get some things, maybe some confusion, maybe some sadness, out of my system.

Honestly, I haven't really asked "why?" yet.
I know that when many people lose someone, the first thing they ask God is "why?"
I've thought about it....alot. But never vocalized it.
Maybe I should.
But I think I already know the answer to that question....
Jesus just wanted him...period.
And that's ok with me....I guess. But then my selfishness comes up and I ask "Well, what about me?? What about my mom and sis?? Don't you think we wanted him too? Don't you think we needed him more than YOU did God?"

I've really questioned some things....I'm a little shaken up.
But I'm not going anywhere.
I know my God and I know His goodness.
But here's another "honestly" moment....
I'm sorry, but I have NOT felt like reading my Bible. And I have NOT felt like praying.
I just haven't. Oh I do, but I sure don't enjoy it right now.
I'm not worried about my walk with the Lord....at all.
He is good and I love Him.
But when all I can think about is the old picture I have of my daddy holding me or his favorite songs or how I wish he was sitting on the couch with me everynight....
reading and praying just don't seem to be at the top of the list....yet.

I don't know why this sadness is so big right now.
I think since we're home from CA, there's no more services, and everything's calmed down, life without him is really slapping me in the face.

I don't know if I want to go out to eat for my birthday.
I don't know if I could handle sitting there without him.
We'll see.....
Maybe it won't be as bad as I think.

"Hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf.
You have been my King of Glory....won't you be my Prince of Peace."